-29 days to go

My countdown came and passed and my days stayed the same. Meaningless and empty. I filled my weeks with long hours working and small, petty jobs but nothing could fill that void. I am in a state of confusion, I am lost between feeling free and feeling bound to this life set out before me. My life is not mine, it is dictated voluntarily by the people around me. I go out when my friends go out, I do things when my mother tells me I need to do things, my thoughts are mine but that is it. 

I need a change, and a big one is rolling it’s way towards me as we speak. As we edge nearer and nearer to August 18th – my results day – I edge closer and closer to a more definite future. Once these results are revealed I will know what I can or cannot do, my dreams will have limits. I know results day is scary for everyone because they will finally know whether they can go to their dream university or not, but for me, results day is scary because finally I will know my academic limits. Whatever grades I receive will dictate what professions I can go into, what opportunities will be too difficult, that’ll I just have to let them pass. And that, my dear friend, that fills me with fear. 

But it is summer now, and I have 20 days until results day. So that is what my new countdown will be moving towards. 

I’m sorry. I lost myself there for 3 months, I didn’t quite know where I was headed or what I was supposed to be doing, but writing this blog is giving me a purpose, and I need that. I’m sorry I abandoned this blog like a scared child runs from the monster under their bed, but you were my monster, the monster that showed me the truth, the monster that told me my fears and gave me hope of an amazing future. And I guess sometimes you just lose faith in ever being able to reach that goal, so I ran from it. But now I’m back, and I’m still scared, but I’m trying again, and I’m not giving up as easily anymore. I promise you. 

I have dreams, I will make some of them reality, and others will stay pigments of my imagination for the rest of my life. My aim: make the best one’s real, starting by making a final payment on my Thailand trip. We can do this. Our lives’ are ours. Let’s take ’em. 

Until tomorrow. 

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