58 days to go

Okay I’m going to go a little off-piste here and talk about something a bit different this time… Relationships. We are always making and breaking them and a lot of the time that’s okay because they’re only small relationships and you can live without them. But sometimes they’re not. Sometimes they’re relationships that physically squeeze all the energy and power out of you so you feel helpless and tired, but you can’t leave because you don’t even know what you would do without that constant dull ache in your heart. But sometimes you have to take that chance and just break it. Break that rut and start a fresh. If only it were that easy. Relationships are both the bane of my life, and my reason for living…. Now I’m not just talking romantic love here, without friends and family relationships I honestly don’t know where I’d be right now. But some relationships are not good, they make you forget your deepest desires and subconsciously force you to settle for something that you didn’t ever want. And those ones are the worst.

See now travelling… Travelling is my deepest desire. And the one that takes a back seat whenever anyone says they need me. I’ve delayed trips, planned around events, settled for less so many times. But now I have no excuse. Without the ties holding me back I am free to travel wherever and whenever I want. But what’s holding me back? Is it the fear of disappointment? The fear of loneliness? The desire for home? However many times I ask myself what I want to do, I can never make up my mind. And that’s my problem. Do I want this relationship? Do I want to travel? Do I want to go to uni? Do I want to just live a normal life in a suburb of some big city that is exactly the same as every big city in every country across the whole world? Well now I’ve decided. I have to. I have to take the leap and go. I have to travel, go to Thailand to work at a wildlife sanctuary, go to Africa and teach street children english, I have to go work in France and learn french. I have to go. Not because I necessarily want to all the time, but because it is an imperative part of my future.

Sometimes life is scary, it terrifies me to the point that I can’t even think about it. But our lives are ours. And we cannot and must not forget that. And as K. L. Toth said:

“One of the greatest tragedies in life is to lose your own sense of self and accept the version of you that is expected by everyone else” 

So I guess we can’t disappoint. We must follow our own path because that’s what we want to do, we cannot spend our lives following behind everyone else. So, I’m going to look, I shall scour the internet and travel brochures and I will find my adventure somewhere… There’s no putting it off this time.

We must live, because we will not live at some point, and we never know when that will be. 

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